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Sunday, February 21, 2010

Public Bathrooms

(A friend sent this funny e-mail to me. You may have seen it before, but if you haven't, it'll make you laugh!)

Public Restrooms
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold the "The Stance".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you would have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, losing your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because you never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, frankly dear, "You just don't know what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your rear-end and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's and and tell her warmly "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms (rest??? you've got to be kidding!) It finally explains to men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the bathroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto the purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

24 comments:

Civilla said...

OMG! That is so funny I could DIE!!! It is such the truth!!!! Now, yes, I know why we "go" in pairs!!!

My mother-in-law says that she "sits on her clothes" in a public restroom. I said, "How?" She said, after thinking for a minute, "I'd have to show you...!"

Believe it or not (I know you will believe me), I travel a lot and am frequently in public restrooms (and I have never figured out how my mother-in-law sits on her clothes to go without wetting them) -- and I literally have NIGHTMARES about being in a stinking public restroom with the toilet overflowing with filthy brown feces-infested liquid and I have to try to suspend myself over it to go. Ugh. The indignities of being a woman! (I have also lived in Korea and have squatted over a hole!)

Darla said...

This is toooo funny and true! The shaking thighs really got me! I keep wondering if I'll be strong enough to hold myself up with these thighs for much longer!

Susan said...

Yes, I've seen this one before but it's still so funny because we all relate and know how very true it is!!!

Musicaljean said...

That is HILARIOUS!!!!!!! A long time ago I read a really funny one by Erma Bombeck, but I think this one is even funnier. Thanks for the laugh.

Connie said...

Oh my, I have a side-ache from laughing so much. This is so true to life - its scary. Been there, done that. I never used to use a public restroom - I would just hold until I got home. BUT now that I'm getting older and my bladder isn't so healthy anymore I do have to use one quite often.
Ha Ha

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

As luck would have it that would be me completely.

One time, I was in public bathroom and it was "that time of the month" when I dropped my tampon and it rolled under the stall next to mine. I was dying inside. I wanted to say, "Excuse me, could you please pass my tampon" but was so embarrassed that I waited until the person next to me flushed and then left. Then, I slid my leg under the stall and grabbed it before someone else came in. How embarrassing.

Just Mom said...

LOL! I first read this one a couple of years ago and it still leaves me in stitches. I can't help but think about it every time I enter a public restroom.

Butterfly Works said...

Mari, So funny and so true....Always happens at ballgames....
Hugs and Blessings,
Butterfly

Pat said...

Every single word is true! I recently used a public bathroom and didn't notice there wasn't any toilet paper...I did the same thing; searched my purse for something to use! I may have to start carrying an emergency roll in my purse which will be hanging from my neck!

Raise Them Up said...

Lol!
The only thing she left out was the toddler you either took into the stall with you, or left standing just out side the door.

Either case would have provided mortifying dialogue, and rounded out the typical public restroom experience for your average mom.

Betty said...

hahaha, yes!! This is so right on! Gotta read this to my husband, then he´ll understand....
I had not read this before. Good one Mari!

Anonymous said...

Super-Duper site! I am loving it!! Will come back again - taking you feeds also, Thanks.

Brooke said...

i'd read it before - but i'm always up for a good laugh on Monday morning and this didn't let me down.

Heart2Heart said...

Mari,

This is too true! It answers the question once and for all why women go to the bathroom together. Well done!


Love and Hugs ~ Kat

Kayren, Pink Daisy Girl said...

I had so many heebie-jeebies reading that I couldn't laugh. Just the thought of it happening made me nearly sick to my stomach. I'm a bit of a germaphobe. Bit might be an understatement.

I think a "Kayren shouldn't read this" disclaimer might be nice next time. ;)

~Melody @ 6 Feet Over~ said...

HILARIOUS!!!! I haven't ever seen this one before! I just laughed SO hard...trying to laugh quietly since the little one is taking a nap! ha!

~melody~

Renee said...

That is so hilarious but oh, so true! Thanks for the laughs.

veterankindergartenteacher said...

Mari,

This is so funny.....and I have so been there! Thanks for the laugh!

LuAnn said...

FUNNY and so true. I also flush the toilet with my foot. I taought my niece that when she was little and the first time she tried it she lost her balance and fell.

Crystal said...

That is hilarious & oh so true! Been there, done that! LOL. I've had to put my purse on the floor so many times & I just cringe when I have to do that!!!! Eek! Thanks for posting. Too cute!!

Sliding Shower Door said...

Going to a public bathroom is one of the moments when you wish to be a man...

A Stone Gatherer said...

Men have it so easy!!! How many of us haven't experienced something similar to this!!!

Lara Gisela said...

Very funny!

Lynn said...

That pretty much sums it up.